I’ve finally surrendered to the chaos that is my life. I mean, I spend my days with a toddler and an infant. I’m tired 1000% of the time. Some days are good and some are long and I feel like I’m being drained of all the life inside of me. But then bedtime arrives and I feel super proud that I did it, I survived another day. I wish I could say I was exaggerating how tough it’s been these past three months but if anything I’ve been downplaying the struggle of my life these days. I know I look like I’m rocking it [and in some ways I am], but I’m trying harder than ever to have be a good mom to the babies and a good mom to a teenager, which is a heck of a lot different than dealing with babies. I want to be a good/nice wife, and also still have friends. I’m trying to figure out how to find the time to exercise. Work is always knocking at my door which is another struggle because there are only so many hours in a day and most of those hours, somebody needs me or pardon me, I’m exhausted. There is so much on my plate and I haven’t even talked about how busy Tom has been with work or touched on Nolan’s very full schedule. Life is crazy right now, but we are somehow making it work.
Bastian is just over 3 months! I’m so happy to be here. The newborn stage was freaking hard! I can honestly say that I don’t miss it. It’s hard and messy and I cried so many times while we were in it. It’s not like it’s significantly easier or better now but every week Bash gets a little more settled and cool and we find our groove a little more. He cries less in the car, he sleeps better at night, making dinner isn’t a total gong show. I’m slowly [incredibly slowly] getting things done. I’m more brave and less afraid of him losing his mind when I go places. But the struggle is still there…mainly, I never have enough hours in a day.
Tom started traveling again for work. I was lucky he stuck around as long as he did since we’ve had Bastian. Unfortunately the fall is quite booked up for him with travel but I’m going to find a way to make it work [aka: avoid insanity]. Sometimes I try to take myself back to when I was a single mom. I raised Nolan on my own, no child support or shared evenings or weekends for 9 years before Tom and I got married. I was self employed and working 6 days a week, doing all the driving to and from sports. I owned a house and did all the housework and yard work. Guess what? I even had an amazing social life! I am now married, work very very little, but somehow juggling these two babies and a teenager is soooo much more work than I ever remember when I was on my own. Or maybe I’m just old now! Ha! Yup. That’s got to be it!
Amongst all of the chaos, sleeplessness, and the days where I feel like I’m completely lost…there is so much light. I will never ever forget the 4 years of infertility prior to having Wylder, longing for what I now have. I can never forget all of the tears I cried for these babies and even though it’s easy to take the gifts in my life for granted when everyone is crying at the same time or not sleeping or demanding to be held 24/7, I wouldn’t change a thing. Ok…maybe less crying, but every one of my boys came into my life as a blessing in their own way and they’ve all managed to fill my heart more than I ever thought possible. Tom and I are so lucky to have these perfect boys around us. And now that Tom’s back to travelling, I love knowing that we have giant Nolan to protect us (‘watch your backs you raccoons and marmots!!’ – we have both likely living in our backyard…so help me).
Ok I’d also change just having Tom not travel ever and maybe I could have a nanny and a maybe a Ferrari? Or like just a break every now and then. I’d also like to have time to blow dry my hair after I wash it and potentially wash it more than I do (it’s not necessary to disclose how many times I do or do not wash my hair). It’d be cool to have time to work out. Or even sleep a whole night…we are so close yet so far…
Life is completely chaotic in every way. I’m holding it together like a boss, at least I think I am anyway. I cry on occasion and I’m not ashamed to admit it. But it’s good. We are creating memories and for example, as much as I know I might regret going to Nolan’s football games this fall with two babies all alone, I’m going to do it because it might be ok and I love watching Nolan do what he loves and no two babies are going to take that from me (unless they are both out of control crying or Wylder is trying to run onto the football field…both very probable scenarios). I’ll just obviously take a quick picture to post on my Instagram pretending it was a total success regardless of the fail… But honestly, life is good. We are living the dream and surviving this crazy season one day at a time!