It’s only just begun.

Ok, this is hard. I’m sure most people around me would assume I’m a seasoned vet with my husband traveling for work but I’m not. It never gets easier and guess what? Now I have two babies under the age of two and a teenager (aka literally living out phases of life on polar sides of the growing up spectrum) and it’s hard and mentally draining. This is the start of one long freaking month of show after show for Tom to travel internationally for. So far the first big trip, well, so far I’m surviving. I’m so tired, like more appropriately described as unbelievably exhausted. I did however manage to get Bash sleeping through the night which is one victory point! Tom left on a Saturday for Ottawa then continued down to Columbia on Tuesday and was supposed to be back home the following Sunday morning allowing us to still have a day and a half day of family time given the long thanksgiving weekend. Naturally, as life would have it, he got punked by an aircraft controller strike so he couldn’t fly home when planned and as I write this, the plan is now to get home on the holiday Monday but we just don’t know yet if that will work with this whole strike throwing a wrench in things. So now the thing is, we are just waiting to hopefully have things work out and even then we only get a half day with Tom, then he will work all week and we will have next Saturday as a family then he is off again for the week to Spain.

Did I mention how tired I am?

The babies are good and Nolan is good, but I’m just so tired because I never get a break and having your husband traveling internationally is stressful. As I checked out the strike online today it comes up as a travel advisory for Columbia due to high risk of kidnapping and violent crime… On this thanksgiving weekend I am just so thankful I read this at the end of his trip and not the beginning.

Pause. Look at Bash and his new smile. It’s too much…

Un-pause — I stop and tell myself it is a season. Unfortunately it’s intense on both ends (our personal life raising big and little kids as well as work life for Tom). It will pass and we will look back on it likely proud of what we have gone through together as a family as we look from the other side. But today, it’s not easy. I have my books I’m trying to read. I’m very social throughout the week. I have wonderful people checking in on me and offering to come for wine or tea or meet me at a park or for a walk and please do! I absolutely love these gestures. My house is pretty clean all things considered. I have my wine and chocolate for emergencies…kidding, the chocolate is for always everyday (full disclosure, no shame). If you have any further tips for me on how to survive living with a travelling husband, I am extremely interested and open to most ideas, just keep in mind that I’m very tired so don’t make me work too hard!

If I could go back in time, I never would’ve agreed to giving up our Maui vacation this Christmas. To date, it’s my only regret! Still winning I think…

Happy thanksgiving friends. The jury is still out whether I’ll cook a thanksgiving meal or not. We will know by tomorrow!

Life = Cray

Ok I lied. The 3 month mark with Bash wasn’t as magical as I thought. We are well past the 4 month mark and he is still crying, no actually wailing in the car about 75% of our car rides, he is not sleeping through the night as he is reluctant to sleep training, but that baby is something else. He is my super snuggler, my mamas boy, all I have to do is look at him and he has the biggest and sweetest smiles for me, so cute I melt into mush. We will just tough it out since I’m too tired to try to fix anything at the moment.

We are back to school for Nolan and holy cow…I am a mother of a grade 10 boy. I was so emotional with the start of this year. I swear a slide show keeps playing in my mind of all of my years raising this boy. He has been such a special gift in my life and as I watch him become a man and set these crazy big goals and actually commit and write out a game plan to meet them, I honestly can’t believe I’ve raised this kid. If you don’t know, Nolan is working his buns off for a college scholarship for football. He has had the dream since he was 7, but now that he’s getting closer, he is putting in so much work to achieve this goal and it is honestly incredible to watch. I won’t go into the details but he is making me proud and I’m so excited to see where he goes. To date, he has one college looking at him already and he is only in grade 10!! FYI, I love this kid so much!

Wylder is becoming so much fun. He babbles and we have no idea what he’s saying. He likes to tell off Nolan when Nolan is bugging him and it cracks me up! He loves his baby Bash so much, he needs to start the day with a hug and after every nap, Bash gets a hug! These babies sure make my heart full and also drain every ounce of my being all in the same day. Thankfully everything is just a season but knowing that makes me sad because as crazy as life is and as tired as I am, I know I’ll miss these baby days so much when they are gone.

I’m doing ok. I’m making it through each day. I make healthy dinners almost every day except Saturdays. I don’t have time to shower often or work out and fitting in hang outs is so hard because all of us moms are on different nap schedules but I’m trying. I’ve been working at building my village which seems impossible if I’m being honest. I feel like I’m in a season of life where I need the village more than ever and everyone I know is just so busy with their lives it’s hard to truly connect and know how to meet each other’s needs or just be a friend.

My anxiety has been at an all time high lately as I’m anticipating one of Tom’s busiest work months ever. October, how I loathe thee… He is going to be gone 20 days out or 31. Ugh. Why? Don’t go… I’m not exactly sure how I’ll make it out alive in one piece. He will be going to Ottawa, straight down to Columbia on trip one, trip two is Spain, trip three is Mexico. I’m in two worlds…the baby world which is crazy and hard and sleepless and demanding until 7pm, and the teenager world which is emotionally draining, where I’m trying to be there for my oldest who holds such a special different place in my heart than the babies. Plus I know I only have 3 years with him and then he is going to be chomping at the bit to take on the world which excites me, but also scares the crap out of me. So I’m trying to set myself up for success in October. I’m going to meal plan which I’m doing already. I’m going to try to connect with friends because I need my people more than ever. I’m already exploring baby/toddler activities during the day to help the days pass. I’m going to make a list of things I want to accomplish around the house. I will also very likely drink wine. You might too if you have to juggle all of this on your own each day…

Life is crazy. I feel like I can’t even put it into words how crazy it is. My anxiety is already in high gear and I hate it so much and maybe I should take a page from Nolan’s book and make a goal to deal with it so I don’t have a melt down sans husband! It’s also really wonderful but I can’t help but crave a holiday or fantasize about having a life and fun with anyone really. This is a season and it’s not going to be pretty but if you think of me in October…send me your prayers and love and wine and chocolate and flowers…or one of the above. Please and thank you. And I love you.

Side note: My babies are cute right? Or do I have the ‘mom goggles’ on? Don’t answer that.

Baby Bash

I can’t believe it’s been 10 days of life with our darling Bastian Henry!  This baby has been such a blessing.  He loves to snuggle, he loves his mama and totally knows who I am which feels amazing!  He’s only waking 1-2 times in the night, he started feeding immediately and eats consistently every 3-4 hours and he basically came out with his perfect routine.  I think we will keep him!  


The week leading up to my c-section was my most miserable week of pregnancy.  Not only was I incredibly uncomfortable, but I had such painful false labor 3 nights which brought me to my surgery date completely exhausted.  I had many moments thinking I’d never make it to the big day during that long week.  

On May 12, Tom escorted me to the hospital at 6am to get all checked in for the c-section. Everything was going smoothly.  Due to my placenta previa earlier in pregnancy, they had done extra prep with blood transfusions just in case and as I was sitting there, moments before going into the OR, there was a big kerfuffle in the hallway and we overheard the word ‘EMERGENCY’ come out of my OB’s mouth.  We unfortunately got bumped out of surgery and were told that we could either rebook the c-section for Tuesday…and I’m sitting there all hooked up to my IV, in my gown and Tom in his scrubs.  Or we could wait around that day on standby for a surgery time with no guarantee that it would happen.  My anxiety was all over the map, but we decided to wait it out and hope they’d be able to deliver the baby the same day.  

We went home for a bit then came back in to talk about the game plan with my OB. They managed to book us in the afternoon and as soon as we got the call, it was only a matter of minutes until we were in the OR and things were moving along.  


I couldn’t believe the difference between my emergency c-section and the planned one.  It was so much more peaceful.  Bastian came out perfectly healthy weighing 7lbs 14oz, which was such a blessing for Tom and I after our experience with Wylder’s birth.  My placenta delivered fine.  They did find a lot of scar tissue and my uterus had fused to my abdomen wall, but they did their best to remove as much scar tissue as possible.  We even had a nice stay in the hospital which I can’t say we had with Wylder.  Then to make everything better, we got discharged super early which made me one very happy mama!  


This baby boy is a dream.  He is so easy and so sweet.  He snuggles and sleeps and eats and I can’t get enough of him!  Wylder calls him his ‘baba’ and he’s starting to really like his cute baby brother and even gives him mini snuggles.  Nolan is a sucker for a newborn whether he would admit it or not, he can’t resist the little guy! 

My mom and step dad were here to help the first week and are now gone.  I can’t remember the last time I was so sad to say goodbye to my mom.  This time was different.  I’m about to have to face life with a 16 month old and a newborn while driving my teenager to and from everything.  Let’s not talk about how many work trips Tom has coming up yet this year, but I’m working on channeling my inner 18 year old self.  I was such a brave girl when I became a mom for the first time.  I wasn’t afraid of anything and I look back at who I was then and what I did and I’m so proud of that Kelsey.  I sure hope I can find the same strength in this new season of life.  This time I’m going to take care of myself in this postpartum stage. I rushed it with Wylder in many areas while I was struggling in the postpartum stage and should’ve had more boundaries which I learned the hard way and managed to become emotionally depleted very quickly.  Postpartum may just be the hardest season for me in motherhood, so I’m trying to be very mindful and remembering to be gracious to myself when I need it most. 

This is an absolutely wonderful time in my life and the most tiring.  My heart has never felt so full and I absolutely love having my three boys.  Each boy has managed to capture my heart in ways I could never express in words.  I’m so excited to watch these little ones grow and become best friends and look up to their big big brother.  All of this makes my heart want to explode!  

OMG. 3 Sleeps till Babe #3

I just tried having a bath with my shirt on only I didn’t realize it was on until I was submerged.   I gotta get this kid out of me!  

Naturally, like any woman close to giving birth, I took on a DIY project for my little boys.  I couldn’t resist when I can across these adorable crib houses and since I’m planning to keep Wylder in a crib for a while yet, I obviously needed to make two!  The project took waaay longer than necessary because I can only work on it during naps.  Some days Wylder was gracious enough to give me 2 hours, others I was lucky to have one.  Here’s my adorable finished project.  The boys have matching cribs so these will eventually be side by side in their room once we move this new guy out of our room!  I’m waiting for my call to be featured in Architectural Digest…

3 days now until I’m going under knife and I’m starting to freak out a little bit.  I lie.  I started freaking out a week ago and my amazingly patient husband talks me off a ledge every night before we go to bed!  I’m already an anxious person and this past week it occurred to me that if I had the option for a natural delivery, I don’t like that either.  Basically I’m not interested in any of my options to get this baby out, but soon enough it’ll be here and gone and we will get to meet this young gentleman that can’t seem to stop beating me up from the inside.  Seriously, this boy might be a wild one or one day join the circus.  I swear he’s performing Cirque de SolĂ©i several times a day and it’s not so cute at this stage in the game!

This pregnancy has been so hard on me.  Such a roller coaster ride.  It’s crazy to think that had the complete placenta previa never resolved, our baby boy would’ve been here 3 weeks ago already and who knows how everything would’ve turned out regarding my health and recovery or how much time he may have needed in the NICU.  There were so many points where all I wanted to do was fast forward to the end and have it all behind me after leaving so many doctor appointments in tears.  I’m incredibly grateful I’ve had these last 8 weeks to enjoy the last moments of carrying a child.  Not feeling worried that each kick might make me bleed and we’d have to run to the hospital and I’d either have a very premature baby or be kept there on bed rest.  I’ve gotten to enjoy my last moments with Wylder being my baby and been able to hold him, rock him when he wakes in the middle of the night, take him to the park and meet friends for coffee and walks!  It’s been refreshing feeling like I was living life again.  

So here we are…on the final countdown.  Lots of false labor already and I’m open to the idea of having an emergency c-section earlier this week to get it out of the way!  Why not!  Can you believe I couldn’t charm the anesthesiologist into giving me ‘calming aides’ prior to my surgery?  So now I just have to be brave!  I’m ready to bid farewell to the shooting nerve pain this babe sends shooting down my legs, back and ‘unmentionables’ several times a day.  Plus, I’m so ready for another little man to come into my life and for the craziness to ensue!  I’m also prepared to bawl my eyes out the moment Wylder and Nolan meet their new baby bro.  Until then, I’ll continue to make my husband crazy so please pray for him.  

Go Away Third Trimester

I’ve officially hit the point where I’m over being pregnant.  When we were in Maui, both Tom and I kept talking about how we were quite happy for this baby to take his sweet time and in no rush for D-Day to arrive.  Then shit hit the fan with my complete placenta previa, which brought on so many strong emotions, scary unknowns and stress I never could have imagined facing while being pregnant.  It totally changed this entire pregnancy.  Thankfully the third trimester has been a lot less stressful since the placenta moved and has continued to stay up nice and high. Unfortunately all that stress has made this feel like the world’s longest pregnancy!  I’m progressively growing larger by the day and it’s a struggle squeezing into my clothes and please don’t ask me to bend over to pick something up!  I’m plagued with fatigue, I’m so sick of doctors appointments and I’m just so ready to be on the other side!  

This little guy is ready too!  I swear he is trying to get out early.  He somehow pushes with all his might in three different directions at the same time, conveniently when I’m trying to sleep.  I’m sure he is just trying to find the emergency exit because I’m literally being stretched from the inside out!  He is hands down my most active baby in the womb, which is why Tom is convinced he’ll be a crazy baby…but I’m sure he will be perfect and sleep and eat well and rarely cry, [exactly how I imagined Wylder before he was born, and I might’ve been wrong].  But when he does cry, it’ll be so sweet and quiet, it won’t bother us one tiny bit.  

Do we have a name picked out?  The conversation that goes nowhere just like when we were trying to decide on a name for Wylder.  Why is it so hard to name a child?  It’s only with them and will define them for the rest of their lives…  We have a million girls names but basically both have only one idea each for boys names.  I think I’m going to win again.  I have Nolan’s vote!  Actually, both names are Toms suggestions so either way he wins!  Tom likes the idea of tying in a family name for sentimental value so we are still doing family research of our late grandpa’s and great grandpa’s to hopefully give more options.  Irvin?  No.  Heinz?  No offence Dad, but no.  Werner?  Again, sorry Dad.  Roy?  I loved my grandpa Roy like crazy but it just doesn’t hit me for a baby name.  Henry could work, but is it too trendy right now?  Will he be going to school with 25 Henry’s?  Daniel and William just don’t quite do it for me plus it’s funny how a name can be connected to that one annoying kid from elementary school…or your adult life!

Just over 3 weeks to go.  I’m just working on getting everything checked off of my to-do list.  Eating whatever I want while I can justify it.  Oh and milking having Tom and Nolan giving me extra help…I have approximately 5-6 weeks before this gets old.  I can say I finally feel ready to meet this boy and I surprisingly have peace about having another c-section which is a miracle in itself!  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll just be counting down the days until I can fit into my clothes again.  

Baby Boy #3

I’m about to share something with the world that only a small percentage of people will be able to understand, let alone be able to relate to me right now.  I’ve never felt sorry for myself as I constantly seem to be faced with ‘big’ life battles because I know in the end, it has and does shape me as a person, but a break from hardship for more than a year would be so wonderful.  


This ‘surprise miracle’ pregnancy had me in shock until I was around 4 months pregnant and started to feel him kick.  At that time, I began dreaming about how special bringing home yet another beautiful baby boy will be for us.  I began loving the idea of being pregnant again.  At 22 weeks I had my routine ultrasound where we were told that baby is absolutely perfect, but I was diagnosed with complete placenta previa.  [This means that my placenta is completely covering and touching my cervix.  I am at risk for bleeding every day until I deliver, which is a major risk to my health.  The risk for baby is a premature birth which comes with several long term effects.  If I do start bleeding, I’ll be rushed to the hospital and potentially kept there until it’s safe to deliver, but if the bleeding is too severe, they would need to do an emergency c-section].  

I was told to stop exercising, lifting heavy things, and to ‘take it easy’.  No travel,   limited standing, no lifting heavy grocery bags or large loads of laundry.  The OB said that due to the risk of me bleeding too much during my c-section , she will need to do it at 36 weeks.  I felt sad and scared.  This led me to the wonderful world of Google where I learned too much.  Not only am I already high risk but my placenta is anterior, therefore sitting on my previous c-section scar.  This gives me a 25% chance of it fusing to my scar tissue.  The placenta looks for a blood source and then attaches and can grow into the scar tissue and uterus (even worse it can invade ones bladder, ovaries, bowel but this is a very extreme case).  This is called Accreta.  Now my life is actually at risk because this condition can cause severe hemorrhaging at birth, and in many cases they don’t know you have accreta until they are in there, which is now my situation.  If it’s bad enough, I’ll have a hysterectomy right then and there so I’m preparing my heart for the possibility that this will be our last baby.  

I was sent for an MRI to see if they could see accreta.  Unfortunately my results were inconclusive.  It took weeks to finally see my OB.  I had seen two doctors before but she gave me the nitty gritty details that in turn flooded me with fear due to the many many unknowns that come along with complete placenta previa.  I’m being watched closely.  Due to the risk of them discovering accreta, I’ll now be delivering at 35 weeks so I am praying baby boy is a big strong beef cake like Wylder was so we can hopefully avoid a long nicu stay if any at all. I’ll have an extra large surgical team in the room.  Very likely, I’ll require blood transfusions which will be ready and waiting.  If they can’t control the bleeding I will spend some time in ICU…even the thought of this brings me to tears.  Although, maybe this is best case scenario, to make it to my date with no bleeds and have a team fully prepped and ready to do everything they can for my life and baby’s.  My doctor said “we prepare for the worst so we can expect the best”.

I’ve only shared this with a very small group of people.  And truthfully, I’m not sure anyone can really understand the severity of the situation or know the fear I’ve had ever since I found out.  There are so many unknowns that can happen from now until even after he is born. I feel scared to walk too long in the grocery store or move too fast playing with Wylder.  The joy of my pregnancy feels like it was stolen from me and I can’t wait for this all to be behind us.  

I’ve been pretty strong with a few big cries here and there.  Although, writing this has me in a puddle of my own tears that won’t seem to stop.  I’m realizing just how blessed I’ve been to have TWO worry free pregnancies and perfectly healthy boys.  I think about how funny it is that we wanted a baby so badly, and here are given this gift and what I want more than ever is to be at the end because I feel like a ticking time bomb hoping nothing will go wrong.  

Tom happens to be in Khazakstan for work at the moment.  It’s extra scary not having him here right now because I do feel like I need him more than ever.  He’ll be going away again shortly after he gets home but thankfully my mom and step-dad are coming to help which I’m so looking forward to!  Having a travelling husband is hard when life is smooth sailing, but when it’s not, my heart misses that man 10,000 times more than usual.  

My eye is on the prize.  Baby will be here in less than 8 weeks.  I have another ultrasound in a couple weeks which will give us an idea of how big baby is and possibly if my placenta has moved.  This would be amazing news and a total miracle which would also allow us to let this baby cook a little longer but my doctor said the chances are very low!  As most of you may know, this isn’t our first big struggle.  I’m trying to stay positive and focus on the good that is in front of me and take it all one day at a time. This too shall pass and I’m dreaming of this summer…holding this baby on a hot summers day with my husband by my side as we sip on a crisp white wine and watch Nolan teach Wylder how to throw a football!

Prayer and the support of loved ones is my solace right now.  My husband is the best person I ever could have chosen as a partner to walk through life with.  All of our struggles have only shown the depth of love we have for each other. He is a huge reason I laugh when things are tough!  His love for me is strength and I’m so thankful for him and my boys, I am truly blessed.  

I’m back…

After an unintentional several month long hiatus from one of the things I love most…[blogging]…I’m back.

Life has been busy as most of you may know.  Our first year with Wylder in our lives has been crazy.  Tom has been so busy at work and travelling, which I don’t love but the mans gotta make the paper (what he tells me).  Juggling nap times around school pick ups, track & field, basketball & football games and practices has been a challenge.  Trying to keep my house clean, cook healthy(ish) meals for the family, still working part time and now, pregnant and chasing a one year old around the house.  Me?  Tired?  Uh, YEAH.

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It’s been good though.  Actually it’s been great!  Wylder has brought our family so close.  I swear we all smile and laugh more than ever with this little guy around.  And now, only 8 weeks away, we will be welcoming yet another little man into our world!  I still can’t even believe it, regardless of the rapidly increasing belly expansion and constant baby kicks, I sometimes still feel like it’s make belief.

For all the people out there assuming we planned this baby and pursued fertility treatments to get here…boy are you are wrong!  That was our intent.  We expected to go down the same hard road to have another baby as we did with Wylder and planned to start treatments this June, but God had other plans for us!

I’m still not sure what prompted me to actually do a test but one day I picked up 3 from the dollar store while Tom was out of town.  We were going to Vegas a couple weeks later for our first trip away since Wylder was born, so I guess it wouldn’t hurt to check.  I forgot about the tests, treated myself to some fine red wine.  That week, I realized I had achieved my pre-baby weight and was bragging to my girlfriend.  In retrospect, I was losing my mind.  I showed up at the wrong schools to watch Nolan’s football games a couple times, could never find my keys and I also got my days and times wrong for appointments which I’ve never done [but continue to do still, baby brain is a thing!].  Two days later I did the test.  A FREAKING POSITIVE TEST!   I couldn’t believe my eyes.  I think I stopped breathing and broke into a cold sweat as my heart started racing…and I texted Tom… “OMG!  I think I’m pregnant.  How did this even happen?!”  He didn’t believe me.  After all three positive tests and even a trip to the doctor for another positive test, he still didn’t believe me!  I didn’t believe me!  We weren’t trying and having a new baby while we already have a baby wasn’t exactly on our bucket list!  Needless to say, this baby is a giant surprise and blessing and we are all looking forward to meeting him!  That being said, I’d be lying if I said  I’m not nervous to have a baby and a 15 month old.  I’ve basically been pregnant for over 2 years…which is just how I feel so I’m really looking forward to feeling like myself again.

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Oh, you’re wondering how Nolan took the news?  Right.  We didn’t tell him straight away, but when we did, this was his response:

“WHAT WERE YOU GUYS THINKING?  YOU LIED TO ME!  YOU SAID YOU WOULDNT HAVE ANOTHER BABY RIGHT AWAY!  WHO’S GOING TO DRIVE ME EVERYWHERE?!  This is going to be so crazy for you guys…”

And flashback to me telling people I was pregnant in high school…  He took the news really well.  Ha!  It’s going to be great.  Nolan is the best big brother.  He is such a big help to me and is always willing to watch the baby or calm him down when I’m too exhausted to do it.  Him and Wylder absolutely adore each other, so I’m sure this new baby boy will capture Nolan’s heart the same way that Wylder has.

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So there you have it.  This next year will be an adventure.  I know I’ll just do it and Nolan is right, it is going to be very crazy.  So if you see me out and I look disheveled and run down, just love me and give me all your cheater tips to help me look pretty and pretend I have my crap together, because we all know how easy it will be to find time to shower…

Thanks in advance.

xo.