I’m about to share something with the world that only a small percentage of people will be able to understand, let alone be able to relate to me right now. I’ve never felt sorry for myself as I constantly seem to be faced with ‘big’ life battles because I know in the end, it has and does shape me as a person, but a break from hardship for more than a year would be so wonderful.
This ‘surprise miracle’ pregnancy had me in shock until I was around 4 months pregnant and started to feel him kick. At that time, I began dreaming about how special bringing home yet another beautiful baby boy will be for us. I began loving the idea of being pregnant again. At 22 weeks I had my routine ultrasound where we were told that baby is absolutely perfect, but I was diagnosed with complete placenta previa. [This means that my placenta is completely covering and touching my cervix. I am at risk for bleeding every day until I deliver, which is a major risk to my health. The risk for baby is a premature birth which comes with several long term effects. If I do start bleeding, I’ll be rushed to the hospital and potentially kept there until it’s safe to deliver, but if the bleeding is too severe, they would need to do an emergency c-section].
I was told to stop exercising, lifting heavy things, and to ‘take it easy’. No travel, limited standing, no lifting heavy grocery bags or large loads of laundry. The OB said that due to the risk of me bleeding too much during my c-section , she will need to do it at 36 weeks. I felt sad and scared. This led me to the wonderful world of Google where I learned too much. Not only am I already high risk but my placenta is anterior, therefore sitting on my previous c-section scar. This gives me a 25% chance of it fusing to my scar tissue. The placenta looks for a blood source and then attaches and can grow into the scar tissue and uterus (even worse it can invade ones bladder, ovaries, bowel but this is a very extreme case). This is called Accreta. Now my life is actually at risk because this condition can cause severe hemorrhaging at birth, and in many cases they don’t know you have accreta until they are in there, which is now my situation. If it’s bad enough, I’ll have a hysterectomy right then and there so I’m preparing my heart for the possibility that this will be our last baby.
I was sent for an MRI to see if they could see accreta. Unfortunately my results were inconclusive. It took weeks to finally see my OB. I had seen two doctors before but she gave me the nitty gritty details that in turn flooded me with fear due to the many many unknowns that come along with complete placenta previa. I’m being watched closely. Due to the risk of them discovering accreta, I’ll now be delivering at 35 weeks so I am praying baby boy is a big strong beef cake like Wylder was so we can hopefully avoid a long nicu stay if any at all. I’ll have an extra large surgical team in the room. Very likely, I’ll require blood transfusions which will be ready and waiting. If they can’t control the bleeding I will spend some time in ICU…even the thought of this brings me to tears. Although, maybe this is best case scenario, to make it to my date with no bleeds and have a team fully prepped and ready to do everything they can for my life and baby’s. My doctor said “we prepare for the worst so we can expect the best”.
I’ve only shared this with a very small group of people. And truthfully, I’m not sure anyone can really understand the severity of the situation or know the fear I’ve had ever since I found out. There are so many unknowns that can happen from now until even after he is born. I feel scared to walk too long in the grocery store or move too fast playing with Wylder. The joy of my pregnancy feels like it was stolen from me and I can’t wait for this all to be behind us.
I’ve been pretty strong with a few big cries here and there. Although, writing this has me in a puddle of my own tears that won’t seem to stop. I’m realizing just how blessed I’ve been to have TWO worry free pregnancies and perfectly healthy boys. I think about how funny it is that we wanted a baby so badly, and here are given this gift and what I want more than ever is to be at the end because I feel like a ticking time bomb hoping nothing will go wrong.
Tom happens to be in Khazakstan for work at the moment. It’s extra scary not having him here right now because I do feel like I need him more than ever. He’ll be going away again shortly after he gets home but thankfully my mom and step-dad are coming to help which I’m so looking forward to! Having a travelling husband is hard when life is smooth sailing, but when it’s not, my heart misses that man 10,000 times more than usual.
My eye is on the prize. Baby will be here in less than 8 weeks. I have another ultrasound in a couple weeks which will give us an idea of how big baby is and possibly if my placenta has moved. This would be amazing news and a total miracle which would also allow us to let this baby cook a little longer but my doctor said the chances are very low! As most of you may know, this isn’t our first big struggle. I’m trying to stay positive and focus on the good that is in front of me and take it all one day at a time. This too shall pass and I’m dreaming of this summer…holding this baby on a hot summers day with my husband by my side as we sip on a crisp white wine and watch Nolan teach Wylder how to throw a football!
Prayer and the support of loved ones is my solace right now. My husband is the best person I ever could have chosen as a partner to walk through life with. All of our struggles have only shown the depth of love we have for each other. He is a huge reason I laugh when things are tough! His love for me is strength and I’m so thankful for him and my boys, I am truly blessed.